A child who tears up work, avoids starting, repeatedly asks for reassurance or becomes overwhelmed by a small error may be trying to protect themselves from the feeling of getting something wrong. Autistic and ADHD children can also carry years of correction, comparison or misunderstanding. What looks like stubbornness may be anxiety, uncertainty or a need for control.
Perfectionism is not the same as caring about quality. It becomes unhelpful when “perfect” blocks sleep, participation, learning or enjoyment. Oxford Health CAMHS advises shifting attention away from results and helping young people consider what they would expect from a close friend (Oxford Health CAMHS).
Lower the cost of trying
Before a task, agree on a small, visible finish line: three maths questions, five minutes of drawing or one rough paragraph. Offer choices about tools, order or where to work. Say, “This is a practice version,” rather than promising the task will be easy.
Useful supports include:
- keeping an eraser, spare paper or undo button available without comment;
- showing an example with a correction already on it;
- allowing typing, speech-to-text or another accessible format;
- using a “good enough for today” checklist;
- scheduling a break before frustration becomes overload.
Model repair, not flawless performance
Let the child see adults make ordinary mistakes: “I added too much water. I can adjust it.” Avoid exaggerated self-criticism, even as a joke. Hampshire CAMHS recommends modelling and normalising mistakes, valuing effort rather than perfection and reminding children that skills take time (Proud to Be Me resource).
Praise information and strategy rather than bravery or compliance: “You noticed the line was wrong and chose to change it,” or “You stopped when your body needed a break.” If the child is distressed, regulate first; teaching can wait.
Ask when more support is needed
Speak with school staff and a suitably qualified professional if mistake anxiety regularly prevents attendance, sleep, eating, friendships or everyday activities. Support should reduce pressure, not add another performance target.
AutDHD’s strengths-first report-card plan and gentle task-launch guide may help families separate learning from judgement.
This is general information shared for parent awareness, not medical advice. Every child is different — please confirm decisions with your child’s doctor or a suitably qualified professional.